The 9 Pillars

This Pillar will lay the groundwork for learning how children think and understand new information—which is different from how adults think and process the same information. No wonder our kids don’t always do what we ask! No wonder we often ask ourselves, “What was he thinking?” when we see how our kids behave. Want to know how to be a better parent? Understand the differences. The importance of this insight will be become clearer as you learn techniques to communicate with children so that your message is understood and responded to cooperatively.

Pillar #2 in our parent workshops is loaded with valuable information about human development. You’ll learn more about what affects your children’s behavior and your interactions with them. Along with the rules and tools in Pillar #1 you will fill your toolbox with even more ideas and techniques that will avoid conflict and lead to increased cooperation. Hint: regardless of your child’s age, what counts the most is your child’s emotional age. Your emotional age is just as  important. Is your child going to have a tantrum when you say “no” or is your child going to cooperate? Are you going to scream at your child in frustration or are you going to calmly repeat what you said?

This Pillar will build on what you learned in Pillars #1 and #2. It will help you understand even more about behavior by helping you understand that challenging behavior as a “way of coping.” When your child can’t get what he wants or doesn’t want to do what you ask, he may try to avoid you by being louder and acting angrier. When your child doesn’t want to cooperate, a tantrum is a very effective way to get you to “back off.” Once you understand this you can start using the cues and clues we teach in our parent workshop to learn how to handle this kind of behavior and many other behaviors.

As you will learn in Pillar #4 the way you understand what is happening affects how you respond. The same is true for your child. If you think your child is crying because he hurt himself you will react very differently than if you think your child is crying while he has a temper tantrum. This Pillar will give you more suggestions for how to interact with your child before, during and after an episode of challenging behavior. With new ideas, you will celebrate new success by using the various methods you will learn that will help you be a better parent.

Along with other treasures you will have a better understanding of the importance of verbal and nonverbal messages, why to avoid “negatively charged words” (such as the word “consequences”,) the power of empathy, the importance of separating “attributes” from “identity” (do you have a “bad” child or do you have a child with “bad behavior?”) and how separating the two influences the way you see your child. This Pillar will give you even more ideas to help you successfully redirect your child.

Our parent workshops will help you understand that what you say and how you act affects how your child behaves. Remember: you can’t control another person’s behavior but you are in full control of your own behavior. You will learn exactly what to say and do so that you can be more successful in influencing your child to choose a more cooperative behavior. Pillar #5 will add useful ideas to your toolbox (such as, “there will be no war if parents do not show up at the fighting line”) to help you learn how to be a better parent, avoid arguments and stay “in charge.”

Once you understand the significance of your actions and responses through our parent workshops, you will be much more aware of how you can increase positive outcomes with the child(ren) in your life. In your search to learn how to be a better parent, Pillar #5 will add useful concepts to your toolbox and show you how to avoid confrontation while remaining “in charge.” You will have additional tools to create new interactions that increase positive outcomes.

Pillar #6 will teach you about effective communication. You will learn many rules and tools to communicate clearly and more effectively so that you can be a better parent. At this point you are developing a toolbox of valuable information that will give you the skills to “stay in charge” even as you empower your child and inspire him to want to cooperate. Did you realize that often adults forget to notice when children are doing things right? But how often do we notice when they are doing things wrong? Next try to let your child know what you want him to do, NOT what you want him to stop doing. If your child is yelling, try whispering your words and whisper about something good that will happen. Or whisper while your child actually sees something good happening (like you making hot chocolate to share with him.)

This Pillar will give you a treasure chest of ideas that will teach you how to be a better parent. You’ll learn how to talk to your child in “behavioral” terms so that he knows exactly what behavior you expect. He won’t get confused by words like “I want you to cooperate” and will instead know exactly what to do: “Please make your bed and put your shoes in the closet before you turn on the tv.” You will learn to clearly show the child how he will benefit from following your directions (not because you are bribing him but because he best understands messages that are from his point of view.) Watch for more information about our parent workshops that will help you learn even more about what the Pillars have to offer.

We know that actors follow “scripts” when they make a movie. But did you know that many of the conversations we have with our children also follow “scripts.” We often argue about the same things in the same way over and over again.

Here’s an example of a “cooperation script”: your child is expected to finish his homework after dinner every night,

Johnny: “Mom, my homework is done. Can I watch tv before I got to bed?
Mom: “Good job, Johnny. Go ahead and watch your favorite show.”

Here’s an example of an “argument script”:

Johnny: “I just want to watch tv now. I’ll do my homework in the morning.”
Mom: “You know the rules, Johnny. No tv until your homework is done.”
Johnny: “But mom, I’m sick and tired of school work and I just want to watch tv.”
Mom: “Stop whining and finish your homework!”
Johnny: “I won’t and you can’t make me.”

It’s amazing how we repeat these conversations over and over and don’t realize it. You’ll learn to repeat the positive scripts, create effective scripts and get rid of the scripts that lead to arguments or anger or bad feelings.

You’ll learn the power of “empathy” (sympathizing with your child):

Mom: “I understand, Johnny. Sometimes it’s easy to get homework done and sometimes you just don’t feel like it. Maybe if you take a 5-minute break and then finish your homework that will help. Would you like a piece of gum while you’re taking your break?”

Try some of these ideas and see how effectively you will take big steps toward learning how to be a better parent.

This Pillar will remind you to do things that are just “common sense” but we often forget. Remember to thank your child: for doing the right thing, for making his bed, for saying “ok” when you asked him to do something, for trying, for admitting a lie. Our lives are full of opportunities to direct our attention to the “positive” and we often forget to do that. You can even “marvel” at your child, “How did you figure that out? How did you change your mind and decide to help!”

Unleash the power of the 3 P’s: Positive Proactive Praise!

You can learn more about these ideas in our parent workshops but you will have a great start just trying some of the ideas you will learn from reviewing our Pillars.

And so ends the summary of the Nine Pillars of how to be a better parent and many, many, many rules and tools to strengthen your parenting skills and the child’s opportunity to be successful.

I might consider wishing you “good luck” but “luck” is not what will change your life. Review the Pillars and practice the rules and tools because THAT is what will change your life! Want to join in our next parent workshop? Contact us today for more information!