While learning how to deal with your teenager, always remember that the most important factor is safety. This includes his safety, your safety, and the safety of those around him.
What is the difference between a teenager struggling with the typical challenges of the teenage years and an angry teenager for whom red flags of concern should be waving? Sometimes it is a matter of more radical/out of control behavior. Sometimes it is a matter of recognizing new behaviors that seem to scream out for help.
Where and How to Begin
Rarely are troubled teens going to ask you to listen while they describe what they are going through, thinking, and feeling. They don’t easily share whether they feel a loss of balance and/or a loss of control and/or a sense of hopelessness in their lives. Often they don’t recognize the exact type of loss themselves. Your first step is to notice gradual or sudden changes in your teen’s behavior. Sometimes these changes indicates he may be facing serious challenges. Dealing with these challenges more effectively can occur as you focus on these questions:
- Does your teenager seem depressed and withdrawn? Has he isolated himself from his family and his friends? Does he appear to have excessive anxiety? Does he show symptoms of a more serious condition, such as an eating disorder?
- Is your defiant teen exhibiting unpredictable/violent mood swings and/or explosive anger?
- Is your teen violating curfews? Do you have any idea where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing?
- Does your teen appear to be under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, or drugs?
- Is your teen attending school and keeping up with assignments?
- Is your teen threatening or committing acts of self-harm or harm to another person?
If any of these behaviors are evident you may consider consulting a medical/psychiatric professional. In the case of a sudden act of violence or loss of control, you may even consider calling 911.
However, short of your concern about any of the extremes mentioned above, here are 5 parenting tips for dealing with an angry teenager:
Tip #1
Remember and reinforce that every human being has a right to safety. That includes you, your teen, and the rest of your family.
Make it very clear to your teen and your entire family that “safety” is something that each of them is responsible for preserving for themselves and others. During calm times, be sure to let everyone in the family know the steps you will take to guarantee safety for everyone.
These steps might first include a verbal reminder when there has been an aggressive act or a threat of aggression. Inform your family that your home has a “hands off” policy. This policy applies to everyone, even when they are angry or frustrated or frightened. Let them know the steps you plan to take to guarantee safety. This may include calling 911, having the aggressor removed from the home, or pressing charges with the police. Do whatever it takes for everyone to be safe and to feel safe. In the event that there is an act of aggression by your teen or another member of the family, follow through as stated. Otherwise, they may not take you seriously and the threat of aggression or actual aggression has a greater chance of being repeated.
Tip #2
Let your teen and the entire family know that you will do whatever is possible to support family members in dealing with “down times” and uncomfortable feelings.
Reinforce that, in all cases, individual safety is of primary importance. Have a family discussion and ask each family member what would be most helpful. Ask them to think about how they will let you know when they need support. Also inform them what you will do when it seems like they are struggling or perhaps violating the rights of other family members. Tell them that you will intervene earlier (rather than later) before the situation escalates. Be clear that your goal is to make sure that everyone’s rights and needs remain respected before any situation gets worse.
Tip #3
Inform your teen that while he may sometimes become upset, other members of the family can also become upset for many different reasons.
Especially during “down” times and times of stress it is difficult of many of us to see beyond our own feelings and our own needs. Be sure to clarify that each family member is a human being. Explain that part of being a family member involves supporting one another whenever possible. Let your teen know that the definition of “support” includes kindness, compassion, listening with care, and calling for help when the problem/behavior seems too big or too complicated or too threatening for the family to be able to handle in a helpful way. Also let your teenager know that “support” includes drawing boundaries around offensive, aggressive, or threatening behavior. Be sure to acknowledge and respect your teen’s need for a quiet space and “alone time” as long as it does not become long-term and isolating withdrawal.
Tip #4
Inform both your teen and other family members that you will do whatever you can to help each family member establish a sense of balance in his life. Also share that you plan to organize and reinforce certain rules for the entire family. In this way, there are predictable expectations for everyone.
Here’s what that may look like:
- Meals are eaten together as a family. Especially dinner and hopefully breakfast, too, though perhaps just on weekends.
- Screen time will be according to a schedule. Devices remain stored in the kitchen when not in use.
Make an agreement with your kids that additional screen time can be earned on a 5:1 ratio when any form of exercise is involved.
5 minutes of exercise = 1 extra minute of screen time.
Exercise includes jogging, calisthenics, or bike riding. Additionally, it includes time earned while on an athletic team through school/the park district. Additional opportunities present themselves through participating in community recreation programs (either as a participant, a volunteer, or a paid staff member).
Model for family members what it means to be caring and considerate of one another’s needs. This may include “alone time” or quiet TV/electronics time (as long as it does not result in long-term withdrawal).
Tip #5
Remember that you can take much better care of others when you first take care of yourself.
In fact, you are a role model for your children as you find ways to get your own needs met while still caring for the needs of others in the family.
Remember, above all, that dealing with an angry teenager and/or a defiant teen is part of the journey of parenting in many families. Also remember that there is a fine line between becoming independent and rejecting one’s family. The issues that accompany these challenges can more easily be resolved as you begin setting boundaries while also respecting everyone’s needs and rights.
In all cases, it is important to identify the complexity and potential threats of your teen’s behavior. From there, determine whether there is an actual or potential threat to the teen or to others. Your observations help you decide what steps are needed. This may include you, your teen, or the rest of your family needing the support of a professional therapist. In some situations, you may require stronger supports, such as hospitalization or incarceration.
The Parenting Journey
Parenting includes many opportunities for relaxation and celebration. But the parenting journey has periods of serious challenge too. One of the most important ingredients of effective parenting is the boundaries you set with all of your children and the calm manner with which you maintain those boundaries.
There are many times when teens test and re-test you to see your response. Sometimes this is done intentionally, but often this happens because they being losing their ability to control themselves. It is important for the entire family to know that you will take whatever steps necessary to ensure everyone is safe.
Don’t expect to be thanked for the decisions you make and steps you take. However, if you have done so after calmly assessing the needs and safety, then you have made a decision that serves the needs of both the teen and the entire family.
Without a doubt, parenting… and parenting teens is not for the “lily-livered.” So take your vitamins and if you find it helpful, review this article and the many lessons from the Pillars of Success any time you begin to doubt yourself.
The Pillars for Success are rich with parenting tips that empower you as you build a bridge to connect with your teenager during episodes of frustration and anger.
