Before tackling HOW to stop sibling rivalry, let’s first examine if sibling rivalry is always a bad thing.
Many lessons are learned from siblings fighting. For children, sibling rivalry is all about personal value and personal power. This rivalry helps a child to identify his strengths and work to overcome his weaknesses within the safety of his own family. It is also about learning to respect boundaries and possessions belonging to others and learning that it is fair for you to expect the same for your own boundaries and possessions. Additionally, sibling rivalry is about learning how to advocate for yourself effectively and how to problem solve and find workable solutions when conflicts arise. Finally, sibling rivalry is a valuable opportunity to learn that respecting the boundaries, strengths, and shortcomings of others is important because you have experienced how it feels when this does not happen for you.
Sibling rivalry can temporarily result in a house full of angry kids. However, it is also the perfect opportunity to offer your kids valuable opportunities for growth while you expand your perspective, your parenting skills, and your parenting influence.
Building the Foundation for Effectively Handling Sibling Rivalry (Why Siblings Fight)
- Recognize that sibling rivalry is an exercise in personal power and self-esteem. It is about learning to establish and adhere to fair boundaries, learning how to advocate for yourself without starting a war, and developing the self-esteem and skills to do all of this without relying on “putting other people down.”
- Keep in mind that sibling rivalry is an opportunity to learn that all of us come with both strengths that allow us to experience personal power and weaknesses that result in us experiencing struggles and unexpected hurdles.
- Recognize that sibling rivalry helps children develop coping and compassion skills that they will need and use throughout their lives.
- In all cases, identifying the early signs of sibling rivalry is important and can allow for positive insights and solutions before the conflicts become difficult to control/reverse.
- Recognize that while you are not in control of how your children interact, you ARE in full control of how you define and respond to challenges that arise between your children. Make sibling rivalry a learning experience and an opportunity for growth for the entire family.
Minimizing the Sibling Conflicts
Follow the steps below, and you’ll be able to better manage sibling rivalry and help everyone achieve fair solutions that address everyone’s feelings, needs, and understanding of the situation.
Step 1. Start a family meeting.
Get everyone together, informing your children that you are seeing increasing conflicts between them. In order to ensure that full attention is given to listening to one another, electronic devices are off limits during this meeting.
Step 2. Ask for their input.
In order to better understand the “why” behind the conflicts between your children, ask for their individual input. Start by announcing that you will call on each of the kids individually and only one person is allowed to speak at one time. Be sure that everyone is paying attention.
Since the children will probably have different opinions regarding conflicts that have occurred, explain IN ADVANCE that this conversation does not include the right to debate or argue what really happened, which depends on each child’s perspective. Each person must listen quietly to what is being said.
Have a pencil and paper and write down each person’s idea about what happened during a recent sibling conflict he remembers, being sure to request that he talks slowly so you can write down his ideas. NOTE: asking a person to talk slowly helps to encourage self-control. Point out that often each person involved in the conflict remembers what happened in a very different way.
Step 3. Thank your children for being respectful.
After everyone has had a chance to talk, inform your kids that they have done a good job identifying the challenges based on what they experienced. Tell them that they have also done a good job listening to one another describe what happened even if they don’t agree.
Step 4. Read the list and discuss.
After the kids involved in a particular conflict describe what they think really happened, read the notes you have taken, one item at a time, and ask if anyone has an idea that might lead to a solution. Be very clear that this discussion only includes ideas about what they might say or do differently to avoid (or heal) a conflict next time. Also be clear that you will call on one person at a time and the others must listen until they raise their hand and are called on to talk.
Remember to praise your family for following the rules of the discussion and thank each one after he/she had shared ideas that might lead to solutions.
Step 5. Agree on phrases to curb arguments and a plan to follow the next time there is a conflict.
As the adult who is “in charge,” summarize the plan for how to handle conflict in the future based on suggestions from the children (see step 4 above).
Agree on some key phrases that the kids can use when they feel like they are going to argue. These might include:
“I hear you.”
“Bobby, I didn’t know you felt badly.”
“I guess I was upset/jealous/frustrated (pick one that describes how you felt) and tried to get even with you.”
“Susie, I will return your _____. I should not have taken it without asking. I’m sorry.”
Ask the kids if they can think of other positive phrases that can be used to let the other person know they are listening.
NOTE: This conversation is only about LISTENING. It is not about agreeing.
If the children disagree about what actually happened, point out that everyone has their own point of view and lots of times there are disagreements. Remind them that this conversation is about finding solutions, NOT about calling each other “liars.”
Step 6. Announce rewards.
Having agreed to a future plan the next step is for the supervising adult to announce rewards for following the “peace plan.”
If adults are dealing with younger children then the rewards can be small treats (a piece of gum, candy, extra time watching TV, etc.).
If the children are older and the family budget allows, then a dime or quarter (or more if it is available) can be the reward for each peaceful behavior choice .
Step 7. Repeat these interactions.
Try to find the same time each day when the family can meet to talk about conflicts that day and whether they became a big issue or whether the plan was followed and rewards were earned. Perhaps after dinner/early evening is a good time to have a meeting.
As the adult, be prepared to praise the new positive choices, feel sad about the mistakes, but say that, “Tomorrow is a new day and you can solve conflicts in a new way.”
If sibling conflicts occur during the day, let the kids know that you will be discussing that interaction at the family meeting in the evening.
Continue this process on a daily basis. You will be teaching your children invaluable skills regarding recognizing and meeting their own needs, how to handle their feelings, and how to solve problems. These discussions create the foundation that will support how each of them can get their own needs met without violating the needs and rights of others.
“You love her more than me!”
If a particular episode of sibling rivalry is about, “you spend more time with him than you spend with me” or “you love Susie more than you love me,” ask your child what you could say or do to help him feel loved as much. Ask him to let you know when these feeling occur so you can help him feel better. Remember that whether it’s about “you love him more than you love me” or “he won’t share his toys so I took one to play with,” the most valuable part of helping your children learn more positive ways to deal with their feelings is to acknowledge what they feel and ask them, “What’s another way you could have handled the situation?” A family discussion at this point can be very helpful as everyone works together to find solutions. This process helps children learn behaviors that focus on their rights, their responsibilities, how to communicate effectively, when to back away from a power struggle, and how to transform conflicts into solutions.
Everyone Has Needs
The main theme that ties all of the insights of this blog post together is “getting your needs met without sacrificing the needs of others.” While sibling rivalry is all about getting your needs met no matter how that affects your siblings, the theme that floats throughout this blog post is about getting your needs met while respecting the needs, rights, safety, and self-esteem of others.
P.S.
It is important for you to let your children know that part of the reason for the family discussion is so that everyone can help one another find positive ways to deal with their feelings. You may even want to suggest some role playing where your kids practice with one another. Remind them that you are expecting them to try new behaviors that were suggested during the family discussion and that rewards are available when that happens.
