Understanding a Child’s Defiance and the Parent-Child Relationship
“Defiance” is one of the most frequently misunderstood behaviors presented by children. The majority of adults consider a child’s “defiant behavior” as a disrespectful challenge that screams the message, “I don’t care what you want! I’m not doing what you told me to do and you can’t make me! And you can’t do anything about it!” Clearly, this is not the parent-child relationship any of us hope for!
Parents who hear that message typically escalate the war between themselves and their child. In the end everyone becomes the “loser.” So how does a parent handle the feeling of helplessness and the waves of anger that result from feeling completely overpowered as their child challenges them?
Parents beat themselves up because they assume that these conflicts are proof that they have failed to establish the authority and respect they deserve. Or, worse yet, they believe that these conflicts occur due to the selfish nastiness of their children. Often the challenges and refusals occur even around small issues and seem to go on and on. For many parents, the repeated refusals and never-ending conflicts are a painful reminder of their failure as parents. They feel that if they communicated a strong image of their authority from the “get go” then there would be fewer arguments. They falsely assume that asserting authority better results in more positive parent-child communication and cooperation. In many homes the stress that results as a parent struggles to control what he perceives to be a defiant child seriously affects the parent-child relationship.
Defiance in a New Light
What if parents understood that the majority of the refusals and defiance from their children (regardless of age) relates to behavior that helps the child to feel a sense of control and power over his life? As the Pillars for Success parent training teaches, there exist only three primary reasons that children act out. “CONTROL AND POWER” is one of them! There is nothing a child or adult will not do in order to feel that he has control over what happens in his life.
Once we understand the importance of this concept, we gain an entirely new perspective that explains why challenging and defiant behavior occurs. Is the child trying to bully us? Of course not! Is the child hopelessly bratty and selfish! No! He merely seeks to satisfy one of the three basic needs in his life: the need to feel that he has control and power over what happens!
This sounds like a complicated concept until we think about something as common as “typical two-year-old behavior,” which has commonly been referred to as “the terrible twos.” These “terrible twos” happens for the exact same reason! The difference for most children and adults is that the techniques used to satisfy the need for control and power are so irritating and personally challenging that rational thought and asking the question, “Why is this happening and how can I help the child find balance in his life?” is lost in the frustration and anger that accompanies these irritating interactions.
How Serious Is It?
Taken to an extreme, the challenging and defiant behavior we are discussing can become something much more difficult to handle. It is sometimes a much more serious challenge for both the child and his family. Additionally, it may present itself as behavior so severe that it has a psychiatric medical label referred to as “oppositional defiant disorder.” This disorder can be a serious condition that frequently requires medical support from a licensed psychiatrist. In some instances, children require prescription medications in addition to a referral for individual and/or family therapy.
Please remember that the behavior we are describing in this post is not “oppositional defiant disorder.” For most children it is simply a phase and part of typical emotional development. Whether “typical” of development or not, there exists serious challenges for the adults in charge. In this instance, we assume NO serious mental health issue to consider. However, the resulting conflicts creates substantial imbalance for everyone involved.
In almost all cases, uncooperative and defiant behaviors indicate the child’s attempt to gain a sense of balance and control in his life. Again, this is often part of typical emotional development! Our energy and focus should remain on understanding what is occurring. We must figure out why it is occurring, and then we provide whatever is necessary for the child to achieve a sense of stability in his life while he attempts to satisfy the needs driving the behavior.
A Simple Solution That Leads to Cooperation
When the child’s needs center around issues of control and power, some simple techniques often resolve the issues. The best part? These help the child experience the feeling of his own control while YOU actually maintain your parental control.
One effective parenting technique includes offering the child “choices.” You retain ultimate control because you are the one selecting and offering the choices. However, the child feels in control because he doesn’t have to do exactly what you say; he now has some choice in the matter. Offering two (and no more than three) choices to the child is an effective way to empower your child while he does what you ask.
As an example: “Before we eat lunch, your toys need to be put back in the toy box. Would you like to pick them up now or in 15 minutes? I’ll know you’re ready for lunch when they’re all back in the toy box.”
Another effective technique: offer your help! “And if you’re very hungry and want my help to put them away quickly then just let me know.”
Continue to Work Toward a Better Parent-Child Relationship
There are many other techniques for empowering a child while retaining adult authority throughout the Pillars for Success parenting program. I encourage you to review the rest of the Pillars for Success website and posted blogs. Discover an entirely new perspective on understanding and effectively responding to children, their needs, and their behaviors. Start to improve your parent-child relationship today!
