Are you sick and tired of hearing, “I don’t wanna,” “You can’t make me,” and “I’m busy now, I’ll do it later?” Do you long for the day when your kids will answer your requests with, “Okay, mom!?” Do you wish you had better parenting skills?
Then read on!
Two factors strongly influence parenting skills that result in increased cooperation and more positive interactions with a child. These include:
- How the parent understands the child’s behavior.
- How the parent responds to that behavior.
Remember that there is a definite relationship between parenting behavior and the behavior of our children.
Often a parent perceives challenging behavior as “intentional disrespectful stubbornness” or “a violation of parental authority.” As a result, it is likely that the parental response will be punitive and potentially communicate some degree of anger and defensiveness.
However, with training, a parent can understand challenging behavior as an attempt on the part of the child to achieve a sense of independence and control in his life. With this approach, the parental response would no doubt be very different. If a child were drowning, would you discipline him for screaming?
Consider this: if parents define the child’s negative behavior as “testing” to find out the limits and boundaries of what is acceptable and how far he can push those boundaries (rather than just classifying the behavior as “bratty behavior”) then the parental response will no doubt be very different and perhaps more effective. “Setting fair and clear boundaries” and having “consequences” are two very different things.
Setting Fair Boundaries vs. Establishing Consequences
“Setting fair and reasonable boundaries” in advance is definitely the primary goal on which to focus. As parents, we must remember to let the child know the expected behaviors in advance. They must also understand the rewards for respecting boundaries/cooperation and the consequences for violating.
Parents who recognize that the way they interpret their child’s behavior affects what happens next are much more successful in identifying positive behaviors and reinforcing those behaviors. In fact, the techniques and tips that follow actually build the steps to becoming a better parent.
Focus on understanding the child’s needs rather than establishing strong “consequences” for challenging/defiant behavior. This focus helps him learn how to satisfy those needs in acceptable ways by clearly informing him of the positive outcomes for his choices in advance.
NOTE: this does not eliminate the need for the child to deal with the consequences of his behavior. However, it definitely focuses on actively finding opportunities for that negative behavior to decrease and eventually be replaced by more acceptable behavior. This is especially true as his needs are identified, understood, and met in ways that work for everyone.
Remember that cooperative responses and positive parenting are the result of cooperative interactions between parent and child. This remains true even in those interactions that result in boundary setting.
Basic Parent-Child Communication Rules
Let’s start with some basic rules that parents should consider following as they communicate with their children.
Rule #1. Focus on telling your child what you want him to do, NOT what he has done wrong.
Instead of telling him to stop screaming, try whispering, “Everyone with a soft voice will get a treat.” Perhaps even hold up the treat (a piece of gum, or an M&M, or your arms extended to invite him for a hug). Let him see the reward as you remind him how he can earn it.
Rule #2. Use positive words and positive statements while setting boundaries.
Positive words and positive statements are possible even when setting boundaries around your child’s behavior.
For example, consider what to do when your child is throwing his toys on the kitchen floor when he is done playing with them. What response would you give here?
You might say, “Toys belong in the toy basket and can be taken out one at a time to play with. If you put them in the toy basket when you are done playing, you will know where to find them again later. If they are left on the floor, I will put them away on the top shelf of the closet so no one can trip on them. Do you want to pick up the toys or should I?”
Based on the child’s response, the parent is to calmly follow through. If the child gets upset, remember to empathize with his upset and let him know that you will celebrate with him when he chooses to cooperate next time.
Rule #3. Focus on what your child is doing right, NOT on what he has done wrong.
It is not uncommon for parents to overlook those times when their children are quietly occupying themselves. This can be anything from building a tower out of blocks, cuddling the cat, or doing their homework. It often isn’t until the child is noisy or disruptive that we focus our attention on him. From now on, consider each day a new opportunity to notice when your children are doing something right. Compliment and thank them for their good behavior. An easy mistake to make is waiting to notice them until they are doing something wrong.
Rule #4. Remember that 90% of communication is non-verbal.
We often think of communication as only the spoken words exchanged between parent and child. However, the truth is that more than 90% of communication is non-verbal communication. This covers how you are feeling, your body language, the tone of your voice when you speak, and many other areas.
In all cases how you feel and the accompanying body language should match and both should be delivering the same message. Folding your arms across your chest and claiming, “No, I am not angry,” sends mixed signals.
Learn examples of mixed communication in our blog post, “Five Mixed Messages Parents Send to Their Children.”
Additional Hints to Add to Your Parenting Goals
- As appropriate, calmly inform your child that rewards come after a requested a task’s completion.
“Chocolate milk and a cookie snack sounds great. I’ll get it ready as soon as you have ____________”
- If your child continues to refuse, ask if he’d like a little help. Let him know how you can help OR ask what kind of help he needs. If he doesn’t answer, let him know that he can talk to you whenever he is ready.
- Be consistent in your expectations in order to avoid additional testing behaviors.
Instead of just letting him know that the TV stays off until what you asked is completed, let him also know that as soon as he completes the task he can watch TV.
- To establish positive control over your child, you must help him experience his own sense of power and control.
Help him to feel like the “winner.” Listen to his ideas about when he will begin the task and what help he would like. Also ask what type of celebration he prefers to have once the task is completed.
- Help your child focus on the positive by saying you know he will make the best decision.
- If he makes a unacceptable decision then calmly let him know that you are not okay with that. Ask him to let you know when he comes up with anew decision that will work for everyone. Give a couple examples if needed.
- Giving the child an occasional and unexpected reward for repeating positive behavior can help to reinforce that behavior. Essentially, your child never knows when he will be getting the reward and keeps repeating the behavior in an effort to find out if this time he gets the reward.
Positive Messages are the Goal
Consider your verbal communication as well. Make a list of all of the repeated negative words and phrases you use with your child.
For example:
“Stop yelling!”
“Show respect!”
“Don’t do that!”
“Why won’t you listen!?”
Next to each one of these phrases, think of a positive way to suggest the replacement behavior. For example:
“Stop yelling” becomes “Please talk softly.”
“Show respect” becomes “Please turn off your cell phone and look at me when I talk to you.”
“Don’t do that!” becomes “Can you please do this instead?”
“Why aren’t you listening to me?” becomes “Please look at me while I am talking and let me know if you can agree to follow my suggestion.”
And if the child refuses your suggestion anyway? Respond with, “What would you suggest? What do you think you can do to help us to find a solution?”
Focus on Replacing Negative Language with Positive Language
To expand on this, instead of repeatedly telling a child what he can’t do, keep him informed of what he can do.
NEGATIVE: “You can’t go outside alone.”
POSITIVE: “Please let me know when you want to go outside so I can be with you.”
NEGATIVE: “Don’t take your brother’s toys.”
POSITIVE: “Remember to play with your own toys unless you ask your brother if he will share and he says yes.”
NEGATIVE: “Stop yelling.”
POSITIVE:“Remember that we use our inside voice when we are at home.”
NEGATIVE:“Don’t jump on the sofa.”
POSITIVE:“Please sit on the sofa.”
NEGATIVE:“Don’t color on the wall.”
POSITIVE:“Remember that crayons are only for coloring on paper or in coloring books.”
NEGATIVE:“You can’t have a cupcake now.”
POSITIVE:“The cupcakes are for dessert after dinner but would you like another treat for now? How about a chocolate cookie?”
Keep It Up!
Congratulations on your decision to begin seeking positive results through positive communication. You can continue your success by following The 9 Pillars of Successful Parenting. A great starting point is purchasing the book on Amazon and regularly following our blog posts.
