Welcome to one of the most challenging areas of parenting: dealing with our children’s unacceptable behaviors.
For most parents, living with difficult behavior is like climbing an icy mountain on a cold winter day. It’s a “slippery slope.” It can easily end in disaster. The behavior is irritating and unacceptable. Our responses and attempts to discipline are often not working. The frustrating behavior continues and we feel helpless and angry! We repeatedly ask ourselves, “Why isn’t disciplining and punishing my child working?
As the behavior continues we feel even more frustrated and helpless. After all, WE are the adults who are supposed to be in charge! How is it possible that our children are actually the ones in control!?
We are quickly learning that disciplining children and punishing children using techniques that are supposed to work often do not bring the long-lasting results we are seeking.
Since attempts to control the child’s behavior often result in arguments and failure, please join us as we reexamine this entire area of parenting.
Redefining Unacceptable Behavior
Let’s start by redefining “unacceptable behavior” as an attempt on the part of the child to “get his needs met.”
You may be saying to yourself, “So what needs could he be attempting to meet? He has food to eat, friends with whom to play, and clothes to wear! His family loves him and he gets everything he needs and wants. None of this makes sense!”
We agree with you totally! None of this makes sense! Since there seems to be no answers to our questions, perhaps we need to ask different questions?
Try asking these questions instead:
- Why does my child keep repeating the same irritating behavior?
- Why is my child sometimes cooperative?
- When I respond in certain ways, why does my child cooperate more often?
- Even if my child becomes more cooperative for a little while, why does he return to behaving in ways that are defiant and uncooperative over and over and over again? Why doesn’t the good behavior last longer?
Meeting Everyone’s Needs
Since the patterns of irritation and aggravation keep repeating, it’s time to realize that the ways you are disciplining your child are clearly not working.
At Pillars for Success, we have learned that repeating patterns of challenging and defiant behaviors are often predictable. As previously stated, this behavior is most accurately understood as an attempt on the part of the child to “get his needs met.” With this new perspective, we can begin to understand behavior in a brand new way!
The same three basic needs listed below are actually the needs that every human being is trying to satisfy. Additionally, our needs and our child’s needs affect one another. We must learn and practice effective ways to respond to our children’s behavior that lead to satisfying both their needs AND our needs. As we make a change in our responses, we actually begin to see an end to the fights, the challenges, and the arguments that kept repeating.
When challenging behavior occurs, your first job is to help the child get his needs met in acceptable ways!
The three basic human needs are:
Attention
Basic survival
Control/power
Unmet Needs and Your Child
Though we can usually identify the specific unmet need(s) when challenging behavior occurs, it isn’t really essential. What is essential is identifying that unmet needs exist and responding in a way that will help the child get those needs satisfied.
In this case, positive parent child communication leads to success. With practice, you will begin to respond intentionally when the child is doing the right thing. Mention what he is doing right, thank him, and celebrate his behavior in a fun way.
You will also begin to notice that HOW YOU RESPOND to both positive behavior and challenging behavior powerfully affects the child’s behavior. In fact, the Pillars for Success teaches that helping the child satisfy these needs IN ADVANCE actually results in reduction and elimination of challenging behavior!
Noticing unacceptable behavior in the “early stages” and helping the child learn how to meet his needs in acceptable ways absolutely results in reduction and elimination of that challenging behavior.
Don’t waste your time giving your child long (or short) lectures about behavior. Instead, focus on actions and words that help the child get his needs met at the earliest signs of imbalance. Setting boundaries for acceptable behavior is essential, and reinforcing those expectations in positive ways is very effective.
Look around the website to learn more about the Pillars for Success, a time-tested, evidence-informed, and research-based program that helps you create your own positive parenting model. Each of the 9 Pillars teaches a whole new perspective and empowers you with exactly what to say and do before and after challenging behavior is an issue. Soon you will be celebrating positive changes you did not think were possible!
