Celebrating safe and responsible independence is the goal all parents have when raising a teen. Yet even independence that is woven with skills leading to positive choices and self-regulation is “put to the test” during the teenage years and beyond.
Raising a teenager begins with a parenting style that establishes and reinforces safe limits and boundaries. The ultimate parenting goal by the time a child becomes a teenager is to allow the teen opportunities to further develop independence, self-care, and positive judgment while reinforcing safety even when the temptation to do otherwise is strong.
Goals for Raising a Teen
Being the parent of a teenager is not for the “lily-livered!” In some cases, it even presents challenges that may sometimes seem impossible to overcome. However, remember that providing a teen with ongoing opportunities to learn how to establish and maintain his own boundaries of safe independence begins long before the teenage years arrive. In fact, parents are actually working on these skills with their young children and extending through the teen years. As a reminder, effective parenting goals include:
- Defining predictable expectations regarding the child’s role and responsibilities as a family member
- Establishing safe and fair boundaries for behavior and activities
- Reinforcing predictable and non-negotiable boundaries in the areas of personal safety and safety of others
- Providing intentional praise and reinforcement for positive choices, for steps taken toward positive choices, and actual cooperative/respectful behavior
- Being very clear to inform the teen in advance what the outcomes for negative choices will be
- Remembering to positively reinforce the child’s respectful/cooperative response even when your teen also faces outcomes for negative behavior choices
Evaluate the Parent-Teenager Relationship
Take a minute to assess where you and your teen are at regarding these goals. It is never too late to update both your parenting skills and your child’s respectful responses. All the areas noted above should increasingly be included in your daily interactions. Remember that you will need to monitor your teen closely and hold him accountable for his choices both in your home and beyond because the challenges of raising a teen extend far beyond the four walls of your home.
Remember, too, that more than anything else, most teens want to have a sense of power and control over their lives, and it is your job to support that goal by reinforcing, monitoring, and rewarding positive independent planning, positive behavior, and successful outcomes.
Parent-Teenager Communication
Your goal is to maintain open communication with your teen so that he/she knows you are available as a support. Establishing and maintaining parent-teenager communication is an important ingredient that leads to successful parenting and successful results. Clear communication in advance that addresses outcomes for “testing or violating” established expectations and boundaries is another essential ingredient in parenting a teen.
It is also your job to monitor challenges and provide support, boundaries, and limits during times when your teen’s behavior indicates he is beyond his ability to exercise self-control and good judgment. This includes maintaining curfews, grades at school, safe behavior, boundaries around the use of liquor, and other “recreational products.”
Always let your teen know that when he respects (both legal and personal) boundaries and temptations, you will respect his ability to self-monitor. As a result, there will be less intrusion on your part. Similarly, when your teen clearly needs adult supervision, you will do whatever is necessary to provide and monitor support, positive choices, and self-control.
Remind your teen that freedom to make choices increases when positive choices are made.
The Rules of Survival While Raising a Teen
Raising a teen can be one of the most gratifying experiences an adult faces. But as you may know, raising a teen can also be one of the most challenging experiences an adult faces!
In all cases, follow these five basic rules during your child’s teenage years:
Rule #1: Be Aware
You cannot be a backseat parent. Maintain daily communication with your teen and establish patterns of daily communication. This may be as simple as,”How was your day?” or “How’s_______going for you today?”
Rule #2: Set Clear Expectations
Be crystal clear in your expectations! This may include saying, “No drinking and no use of marijuana or other recreational drugs.”
Also be clear regarding how you will respond to your teen in the event that boundaries are crossed. This means legal boundaries, parental boundaries, and boundaries of safety.
“If I become aware of the use of any of these products this is what will happen:_______________________.”
Rule #3: Be Fair and remain positive
If you become aware of major issues reflecting bad judgment and risky behavior, then inform your teen right away. Let him know the outcomes for such behavior (in advance whenever possible).
For example, “I found a cap to a bottle of beer in the car. The car is off limits for the next month. You say that you weren’t drinking, but the rule we established in the beginning was that there is to be no drinking of alcohol by anyone while on social outings. It is illegal and unsafe. However, we will give it a try at the end of one month and continued use of the car will be your choice and based on whether you choose to follow the rules.”
Rule #4: Be Consistent.
Do NOT set boundaries and outcomes for behavior and then fail to enforce them. You will be giving your teen the clear message that he can actually do whatever he wants and not have to “pay the price.”
Rule #5: Be Available
Parent-teenager communication is vital to reaching your parenting goals. Always be available to talk with your teen, problem solve with your teen, and support your teen in whatever way will be helpful. Be prepared to clarify and to consistently monitor and enforce the rules and expectations that lead to freedom and those that lead to loss of privileges.
A Few Parting Words…
Remember that nothing changes overnight. It takes time for new habits and patterns to be established within your household. In all cases, your consistency, clear-cut boundaries,positive but firm communication, and calmness is required to pave a road to more satisfying and positive parent-teenager relationships.
Parenting a teenager is not always easy. If you’re experiencing anger issues with your teenager, you might consider reading our blog post on “Parenting Tips for Dealing with an Angry Teenager.”
