Is the goal to raise “happy children?” Or is the goal to raise children with high self-esteem and a positive self-image?
Is the goal to raise “happy children” or is the goal to raise children who have self-confidence and the ability to problem solve? Children who know how to find acceptable ways to get their needs met? Children who have learned that “love” and “caring” is a two-way street and just as they need “caring” from others, so do others need “caring” from them?
Is the goal to give our children everything they want or is our goal to raise children who learn to deal with disappointment and frustration in ways that allow them to get support from others? Children who gradually learn how to support themselves? Is the goal to give them everything they want or is the goal to help them learn how to handle disappointment?
Overcoming the Challenges in Life
The point is that we all know that “life” is not a rainbow of happiness and success. Just like Kermit the Frog (from Sesame Street) sings to the world, we spend our lives looking for the Rainbow Connection and each of us finds our own path. We also know that those of us who “survive and thrive” are the ones who can overcome the hurdles and the challenges of being an imperfect person who lives in an imperfect world.
In a child’s world those challenges might look like:
- “Mommy says she’s busy and I have to wait, but it want it NOW!”
- “Why won’t those kids play with me?”
- “Mommy and daddy are yelling. What did I do wrong?”
- “I am afraid.”
- “No one will feed me when I’m hungry.”
- “I’m bored but everyone is too busy to even notice me.”
- And for your teens… “If I go to that party I will probably get drunk with my friends again, but I don’t want to be left out. What should I do?”
What better time to learn about how to handle these challenges than the “growing up” years? Is there a magic formula that each of us needs to find so that our children are happy?
Sending the Right Messages to Our Children
Perhaps the most important thing we can do for our children starts when we do our best to give them messages that they are important and they are safe. Though we are not perfect… we will do our best to send these messages with our body language, our attitude, the tone and volume of our voice, and the way we respond to them. Will your child feel safe if you respond to your child with physical aggression? If you scream and holler at him is he going to feel safe? Remember, approximately 90% of communication is non-verbal and your tone of voice, the look on your face, and your body language gives very strong messages to your child.
Our children watch us closely and experience everything about the way we respond to them (and others) and handle our own frustrations, successes, and failures. Additionally, our children watch us as we set boundaries and limits in our own lives, and they respond to the boundaries and limits we establish in their lives.
Parenting Is a Process
Is there such a thing as a “perfect parent“? No! Parenting is a PROCESS just like any other skill we learn. The experiences we lived while growing up have a powerful impact on how we raise our own children. You were not raised by “perfect” parents, and you will never be a “perfect” parent. While you can’t change what happened in the past, you do have FULL control over everything you say and do going forward.
As they grow, do your best to help your children feel that their world is safe and they have value by…
- Making sure that they can rely on you to nurture and support them
- Handling them with gentleness even when setting boundaries
- Using a calm and controlled voice
- Making sure we respond calmly and consistently as they learn about “life” and test the limits and boundaries of what they can do
- Teaching them the difference between having “bad behavior” vs. being a “bad person”
- Celebrating their successes and noting their positive efforts
- Making sure they learn that their behavior choices have a strong impact on how you respond to them but in all cases they are loved
The Greatest Gift: Coping Skills
As parents, we want “the best” for our children. As parents, we want their lives to be free of the growing pains and struggles that we endured. Some of us hope to protect our children from the harsh and unfair aspects of life—perhaps life at home, life with their peers, life in a world so big that sometimes they are barely noticed. As parents, some of us even hope to heal our own childhood wounds by making life better for our children.
Remember, though, that the best gift you can give to your children is to teach them the coping skills to get through the rough times, the self-esteem to excel in whatever is important to them, and the gift of knowing they are safe with you and valued by you. Then, and only then, will they learn how to form and nurture relationships that bring them friendship, caring, and support.
