Coping with a hyperactive child can be a challenge for any parent. The challenge becomes even larger when a child is unable to maintain boundaries of self-control. Have you ever tried to calm a hyperactive child?
Remember that there is a “fine line” between an “overactive child” and a “hyperactive child.”
Listed below are some of the behaviors that parents often described when dealing with a hyperactive child:
- Cannot seem to sit still for more than a minute of two
- Cannot stay focused on a single activity for more than a minute or two
- Has difficulty following directions
- Often does poorly in school
- Demonstrates behavior problems both at home and at school
- Easily becomes frustrated and/or angry
- Easily gets into verbal and physical conflicts with both adults and other children
- Frequently seems disorganized and loses things
- Doesn’t follow directions well and often seems confused
Do any of these behaviors describe your child?
If one or more of the descriptions above apply to your child, remember that there are specific things you can say and do that will help you to calm the child.
For now, let’s take a look at some basic principles of behavior and parenting taught by the Pillars for Success parenting program and how they will help you and your child move towards success.
External chaos triggers internal chaos.
It’s important to understand that external chaos triggers internal chaos. Conversely, external order increases internal order. The degree of order and predictability in your home affects the order and predictability the child experiences in his daily activities, in his relationships, and in his ability to self-direct and monitor his own behavior.
Messy rooms with toys and other items piled everywhere increase the chaos that the child experiences both externally and internally. Long lectures and emotionally charged responses from the adult distract and overwhelm the child, creating chaos. Similarly, mixed message given to the child can increase his sense of chaos and confusion and result in additional behavioral challenges.
Keep your instructions brief.
Complicated and wordy instructions add to the confusion. When talking to your child, briefly describe the behavior you expect in as few words as possible. Again, skip the moralizing and long lectures. Be sure that he is looking at you when you speak to help him, and focus his attention so that he hears you. Ask him to look at you again and summarize what you just said to be sure he understood your words.
Written step-by-step instructions are helpful.
Children who can read often find it helpful to have a brief list of written step-by-step instructions. Ask your child if he would like to write them or if he would like you to write them. Suggest that he draw a line through individual instructions as he completes them. Children who do not read can benefit from a “picture” list that shows a child performing the requested tasks. For example, “Take your plate to the kitchen counter after eating,” could be represented by a sink with dishes.
Modify the environment to increase success.
Tasks such as completing homework require concentration and focus. Let your child join you in selecting a distraction-free location in your home (away from windows and doors if possible). This will be a place where he can focus on tasks such as homework. Consider letting him know in advance that a treat will be available when he finishes and you have checked his homework.
If he is unable to focus on the entire assignment in one session, considering helping him schedule several shorter sessions with a “break time” between sessions. You might consider offering a treat during breaks as well. Be sure that he understands that the location is a quiet place where he can focus on his work (rather than a “quiet space” for “bad behavior”).
Take time to check his work with him. Focus on and reward him for what he accomplishes and completes correctly and give him a “short list” of necessary corrections.
In all cases, focus on success.
Do whatever is necessary to help your child feel successful and reward him for even achieving small steps toward that goal. If he repeatedly fails at doing what you ask then shorten your instructions and break them into smaller steps, praising him for each step he completes.
Remember that the clearer your instructions are stated the greater the chance the child will understand and comply. The result is that he will experience success more often. Using as few words as possible, speak in a soft voice and say each sentence slowly and calmly. Remember, it is important that your child looks at you when you speak.
Establish an atmosphere of calmness and clarity.
Strive to establish an atmosphere of calmness and clarity. The more “low key” you behave, the greater the opportunity that your child will not become over-stimulated and “hyper.” Remember, again, to use as few words as possible.
Prioritize what’s important.
Instead of giving him a long list of what he left out and mistakes he made, start by showing him what he did right and then add a couple of areas that need correcting.
Don’t “nit-pick.” Focus on and praise improvement and steps taken toward the goal. Offer suggestions and corrections in small steps spread out over time so he does not feel that his efforts resulted in failure.
In all cases, make sure to remain focused on positive reinforcement. Give your child praise and rewards for trying, for completing even part of a task, for completing an entire task, for accomplishing a goal, or for correcting a mistake.
Give your child a sense of control.
Be sure to give your child a sense of control over the work he is completing. Let him decide when he needs to “take a break,” but help him by suggesting that a “timer” be set so that he knows how long he must work and he is also in charge of the length of both his work time and his breaks. (Note: you may find it useful to define the maximum amount of time that can be spent on a “break” and also the maximum number of “breaks” he can take.)
Particularly for a hyperactive child, learning to focus and concentrate is a skill to be practiced. Be sure to allow him needed play time that is not structured while making sure that he maintains a level of self-control so that his playtime does not become disorganized and potentially lead to chaos and even aggressive behavior.
Remain involved in all settings.
Remember that children exhibit their strengths and challenges in every setting in which they interact: school, church, neighborhood, sports teams, and extracurricular activities. If your child is struggling at school consider it your right and responsibility to request a meeting with school personnel to discuss and problem solve how to best support positive growth and minimize negative experiences.
Should he be struggling in extracurricular activities, you may want to talk with his coach or activity supervisor to discuss positive interventions that will maximize his cooperation and success in those settings. You may also want to set up a way to communicate with those adults to define goals and a system of communication so that you can reward your child at home when he demonstrates success in those settings.
We all have needs.
Every child has individual needs, and every child also benefits from support given by the adults in their lives. Design this support to celebrate his successes and create boundaries around undesirable behavior whenever necessary. Consider yourself an expert on your child. Do whatever is necessary to increase his opportunities for success across all settings, and encourage the adults in those settings to use positive supports you know are effective. Likewise, support those adults in creating limits and boundaries that help to reduce potentially negative behaviors and possibly even failure. It takes time, but with patience, positive reinforcement, and open communication, you can help your hyperactive child be successful and happy.
Take positive steps toward restoring balance in your family.
How effectively can you help your child if he is “acting like a two year old” and you try to talk with him as if you are talking with an adult? The most effective response to your child’s behavior will be based on the developmental level of his current behavior rather than his chronological age. If he is wildly running around like a two year old then talk to him slowly and in short sentences as if he is two years old.
Your goal is to help your child restore “balance” rather than focusing on what he did wrong. The earlier you notice and address any inappropriate/disorganized behavior, the more effectively you can teach your child to independently restore balance for himself. As soon as you notice disorganized behavior use a soft voice to slowly and calmly tell your child what he is doing.
Remember to offer choices.
Next, suggest one or two simple choices that will help him establish self-control, and let him choose which suggestion he would like to follow. It may sound like this: “You are running around the house and bumping into furniture. Come and sit down in the kitchen and I will make you a cup of warm hot chocolate (or whatever simple/soothing snack you can provide). Would you like to drink if from the red cup or the blue cup?”
As he is drinking his hot chocolate point out to him that it feels better to be calm. Mention what a good job he did calming himself down. Afterwards, help him to transition to another calm activity by offering him a couple choices and perhaps helping him to set it up: “Do you want to build with the Legos or color at the kitchen table?” If he chooses to color you might softly say, “I’ll get the paper. Can you please get the box of crayons that is on the kitchen counter so we can set up your coloring project on the kitchen table?”
There is a difference between developmental level and chronological age.
Always keep in mind that the functional level and coping skills of hyperactive children are typically at an earlier level of development than their chronological age might indicate because their hyperactivity can delay (NOT “prevent”) growth in specific areas. This applies whether the “delay” is the result of biological causes or trauma or a combination of both. Therefore, when your child becomes disorganized your responses will be most effective if they are presented as if you are dealing with a younger child.
The key to positive change for both “typical” children and children who have developmental challenges, such as “hyperactivity,” can be found when adult responses are consistent, calm, positive, and meet the child’s current developmental level.
