Thank you for joining me in tackling one of parent’s most common questions: “How can I get my child to listen to me?” Read on to find out why the characteristics of parent/child communication are such a powerful factor in how our children respond to our requests. Let this post be the first step towards understanding how to avoid and/or reverse defiant behavior as you learn the rules and tools that will help you overcome child defiance.
Double Meanings
Let’s first make sure we all understand the dual meaning of this question. When thinking about their children, adults generally understand the word “listen” in two ways:
- For some adults, the word “listen” means that a child is looking at the adult and remains focused on what the adult says.
- For other adults, “listen” means that the child not only hears what the adult says but also does whatever the adult asks him to do.
Whether your definition of “listening” involves the child paying attention to what you are saying OR the child following your directions and doing what you ask OR BOTH, the solutions are interconnected.
Kids Are Not Good Listeners
By definition, most kids are not good listeners. In typical child development, a child’s world is mostly focused on “actions” and “reactions” that lead to getting their own needs met (or not met). An adult invasion into that world is often experienced as exactly that: an invasion. The child is so preoccupied with satisfying his own needs that he doesn’t hear much of anything else regardless of who speaks. He’ll be even less likely to hear you if you ask him to do something unimportant to him; requests that cross the boundary of the “IAAM” rule (“It’s All About Me!”) are often not heard by children.
Again, children are primarily motivated to do things that get them what they want. Does that mean that your child is selfish? No! It simply means your child thinks like a child. He automatically focuses on himself and his own needs. As your child matures, he increasingly learns to consider the thoughts and needs of others (to a greater or lesser extent) as part of the process of growing up, maturing, and learning to think beyond himself. That process is unique both in the length of time involved and in the individual steps that each child experiences.
Is it possible to rush this process? No.
Is it possible to influence the process so that an increasing number of positive outcomes are experienced by everyone? Yes!
Is it possible to successfully lead the child to reverse even defiant behavior? Definitely.
Let’s review some of the key factors that affect the growth and behavior of children.
Be Aware of Your Child’s Development
It bears repeating because we so often see children as “little adults,” but the truth is that children genuinely think mostly about themselves and their own needs first. The combination of life experiences and cognitive development gradually enable a child to see beyond his own wants and needs and consider the wants and needs of others, but this is a process that occurs over time as the child grows up.
Adults who recognize and respond to the growth patterns of the child generally achieve more satisfying outcomes with that child. Parents who understand that their child’s “self-centeredness” is a typical part of his development can teach a child to choose to cooperate by structuring the situation so that the child sees “What’s In It For Me” (which we refer to as the “WIIFM rule”).
You are not “bribing” the child. Again, you are structuring the situation to match his thought process so the child can satisfy the ever-present “WIIFM” need. The “WIIFM” rule teaches us that a child responds to adult requests more cooperatively when the adult clearly points out to the child how he benefits by doing what is asked. For example, “Please put all of your toys back in the toy box when you are done playing. Afterwards you can have that chocolate chip cookie you wanted as a snack.” By stating your request this way, you have just connected completion of the requested task with enjoyment of the desired task.
Positive and Negative Reinforcement for Children
Think about it: would YOU go to work every day if you did not receive a paycheck? Human behavior is governed by what we refer to as “reinforcement.”
Positive reinforcement rewards behavior and encourages its repetition. On the other hand, negative reinforcement (outcomes such as losing a privilege or a treat) often leads to behavior decreasing and/or stopping because the outcomes are unpleasant for the individual.
One of the key success factors is “CONSISTENCY.” It is extremely important that the adult respond to the child consistently. This means responding to positive behavior with consistent positive responses and responding to negative behavior with consistent but calm responses that do not include rewards.
Understanding Cognitive Development
Life experiences affect brain development and behavior. “Cognitive development” refers to how children think, explore, and figure things out. It is about the development of knowledge, skills, and problem-solving capability, which all help children to make sense of and understand the world around them.
Brain development is an important part of cognitive development. This is a very individual process based on the characteristics of the child combined with the experiences and relationships in his life. We can expect cognitive development when a child is raised in a nurturing environment where his basic needs are met and there are opportunities for growth, learning, and developing satisfying relationships. Conversely, if a child does not experience these opportunities, his cognitive and social development will proceed accordingly as the child is repeatedly faced with challenges that often result in negative outcomes. Providing a safe environment in which basic needs are met, reasonable expectations are clear, and positive behaviors are acknowledged and/or rewarded is the perfect combination that leads to positive growth and increased cooperation.
Putting It All Together
So what does parenting look like when you combine all the information this post offers? Let’s take a look at the many ways to apply the knowledge you’ve gained. In any given interaction, these steps should guide how you make requests to your child in a way they gets him to “listen to you.”
1. Remain calm!
In all interactions, try to remain calm. Even when correcting negative behavior speak slowly and in a calm voice. Always inform him of the expected positive response you would like to see.
2. Focus on the positive!
Tell the child what you want him to do. Do not focus on what he is doing wrong, but rather focus on the right thing to do that is acceptable to everyone.
3. Speak to your child in behavioral terms.
In as few words as possible tell your child the behavior you want to see.
For example, “When you have friends come to play, please remember to let them join you in playing with your toys AND ask them to help put the toys back in the toy basket before they leave. If there are toys you do not want to share let’s put them in the closet before they arrive.”
This tells your child exactly what behavior you expect. As a result, he is able to understand your instructions because they are crystal clear.
4. Offer your child choices.
Offering your child choices will give him a sense of power and control over his life while simultaneously leading him to choose one of the appropriate behaviors you have offered.
When giving instructions, perhaps let him decide when he will do what you ask. For example, “Please put away your laundry before watching Sponge Bob, which starts in one hour.” He can decide if he will do it NOW or whenever… as long as the laundry is put away before watching Sponge Bob.
5. Always let the child know the outcomes for his choice in advance
Remember that children typically see their world from the perspective of WIIFM (“What’s In It For Me?”). Giving your child the outcomes for his choices ensures he understand your requests from his perspective.
“Remember that the TV can be turned on to watch Sponge Bob after the laundry is put away. If the show starts before the laundry is put away the TV will remain off until that task is completed.”
6. Expect testing behaviors.
Be ready for your child to “test” you to see if you mean what you say.
The important way to minimize testing behavior is to always remember to be consistent. Changing your mind or not following through on what you said will happen gives your child the very clear message that he can manipulate the situation.
7. Include the child in decisions.
From time to time, include your child in the decision making process.
For example, you might say, “I think you should vacuum the living room floor before you go out to play, but when do you want to get it done?”
Let’s pretend that the child says he will get it done after lunch.
“Okay, then I will remind you after you eat lunch so you can get the job done before you go outside to play again.”
Be very clear to the child that he was able to choose the time and you expect him to get the job done at the time he chose without further conversation. Be sure he knows that he must finish the job before he goes outside again.
8. Make sure to thank the child.
After the child completes the task in a positive way and without arguments, tell him that you appreciate his cooperation. Perhaps offer him a positive reward for being such a good helper.
9. When things don’t go as hoped…
If the child refuses to follow your directions and/or do what was agreed upon between the two of you, remain calm and simply remind him that nothing else happens until he finishes the job.
If he argues with you, perhaps offer to help him get the job done and then suggest how you can help. Alternatively, ask him how he would like you to help.
REMEMBER: YOUR GOAL IS TO OVERCOME THE REFUSALS AND THE ARGUMENTS THAT HAVE OCURRED IN THE PAST AND CREATE NEW PATTERNS OF COOPERATION. If that means that you take on a more supportive role to avoid his refusals then YOU may have to be the one to avoid the argument by “giving an inch” and making it possible for your child to feel that he has not been defeated.
REMEMBER: THE ULTIMATE GOAL IS TO OVERCOME RESISTANCE AND REFUSALS AND CREATE A NEW PATTERN OF INTERACTING THAT LEADS TO COOPERATION AND AVOIDS CONFRONTATION. The steps to success are often small steps with intentional flexibility on your part, which is not the same as surrendering your adult authority.
Continue Working Towards Healthy Relationships in the Home
Be sure to review this article when you find yourself facing trouble with how to get your child to listen.
To take this a step further, visit https://www.pillarsforsuccess.com/products/ and download a “point sheet” to organize your expectations and establish a pattern of identifying and rewarding positive behaviors.
Point sheets have tremendously positive effects on identifying and rewarding positive behaviors; both you and the children in your life will benefit. Point sheets also have a “built in” reward system in which the child can earn something for each task completed. Just be sure that chosen rewards chosen should be attractive to your child and only available based on completion of the point sheet.
It Applies to All Ages
If you are parenting teenagers, remember that the rules and tools of successful parenting are built on the developmental age of the child and NOT his chronological age. It is not uncommon for a teenager to sometimes “act like a two year old.” If you are also facing challenges in your communication with a teenager, remember that these challenges have the same root causes as the challenges of a younger child.
The big picture is that all ages are driven by the same needs defined by the ABCs of human development (Attention, Basic survival, and Control and power). The Pillars for Success apply regardless of age. A point sheet designed specifically for teenagers is also available as a download. Learn more about the 9 Pillars of Successful Parenting and review additional downloads, blog posts, and services that will help you organize your parenting journey. There is no one-size-fits-all solution, but with the Pillars for Success toolbox at your disposal, you can make positive and dramatic changes to the relationships you share in your household by designing your own solutions based on what the toolbox has to offer.
