How to Co-Parent: I Hate My Ex but Love My Children.

IS THIS YOUR STORY?

Raising kids is tough enough without working about how to co-parent. It’s not fair that I have to deal with my kids, deal with my ex, and deal with my kids’ behaviors whenever they come back home after visiting him. To make things worse, they think that I am too strict because he lets them get away with everything. When they come home, I have to deal with re-setting boundaries and expectations because we have conflicting rules. Actually, I don’t think he has any rules at his house. He doesn’t have to deal with the real stuff like their homework, their grades at school, getting chores done around the house, etc. It makes me feel terrible because I have to play the bad guy while they see their dad as the good guy.

OR IS THIS YOUR STORY?

I don’t get to see my kids very often, so when I do, I like to spoil them. My Ex thinks I don’t discipline them enough, but it’s hard doing that when they come over during the weekend. Weekends are for fun, not for chores. She says I’m intentionally pitting the kids against her, but it’s not my fault that they do all of their homework during the week and come over to relax. And they don’t do anything that would force me to make rules. She’s overreacting.

Clearly, this family is struggling. Both mom and dad have ended their relationship with disappointments and anger and severe damage.

Unfortunately, the burden of the broken marriage and the disappointments and anger that led to that breakdown are not only the burden of the parents. The damage and the hurt and the anger strongly affects the children as well. In fact, children from broken relationships often believe that it was their fault that their parents separated. The damage between the parents will probably never heal. However, they both say that they love their kids. As for most kids who have to deal with parents who split up: the
one wish that is deep in the hearts of those kids is the silent hope that some day they will all be a family together again.

So how can two people who have hurt and disappointed each other successfully learn how to co-parent in a way that will not cause further damage to the children?

HOW TO CO-PARENT CONSTRUCTIVELY

If you are a parent dealing with similar problems please consider that in order to learn how to co-parent, both parents need to:

1. Ensure that unresolved anger between you and your partner needs to stay between the two of you. Be open with your children, but only enough for you to “own” that anger while letting the children know that it is not their fault.
2. Reassure the kids that it is not their fault that their parents are apart and the only people who could ever repair the relationship are the parents themselves.
3. Tell their children that they are loved and that it is okay for them to love both their mom and their dad.
4. Explain to their children that they will work harder to keep the children from being caught in the middle and feeling that they must choose one parent over the other.
5. Inform their children that they do things their own way and that the kids need to follow the rules of each parent when they are in that parent’s home.
6. Give their children permission to say, “I don’t want to hear about that” if one parent starts talking badly about the other parent.

HOW TO CO-PARENT THROUGH THE CHALLENGES

The challenges involved in parenting children after the adult relationship has failed are very complex. The goals are very clear cut:

1. Communicate to the children that you both love them.
2. Make sure the kids are free of feeling of guilt or responsibility for the breakup.
3. Never say or do anything that makes the children feel that they have to favor one parent over the other.
4. Give your children permission to say, “I don’t want to hear about it” if you start complaining about your ex-partner.
5. Inform the kids that you both parent differently and that’s “just the way it is!” (f) Keep your adult communications between you and your ex-partner and leave your children out of it.
6. Do not vent or direct your frustration toward your ex-partner to your children.

I hope that this article gives you the solution you’re looking for when it comes to how to co-parent with your ex.

For more tips and advice, follow me on Facebook and sign up for our Newsletter!