Is my child’s behavior my fault? Before you answer this question, ask yourself if ANYBODY is responsible for another person’s behavior. The laws of human behavior say otherwise: we can only control our own behavior. So, who is responsible when conflicts, tantrums, nagging, and aggressive behavior occur? If you tell your child it is time to put his toys away and he stamps his feet and throws his toys across the room, is it your fault? NO! It is not your fault. You cannot control your child’s behavior.
However, you are 100% in control of your own behavior. With the Pillars for Success program, you’ll learn the power of what you say and do. You’ll learn how it can affect the situation at hand and make it better or worse. You’ll understand just how damaging those arguments and power struggles you have with your children can be. Why?
- Whenever there is a power struggle there is always a “winner” and a “loser”
- The power struggle will repeat itself because the “loser” will try to win back power and become the “winner.”
What is the solution?
The solution: setting up situations very carefully so that your child feels like he is in control and chooses to cooperate. Whenever that happens, both of you win! Remember, you are absolutely not responsible for your child’s behavior choices! The Pillars for Success program believes that when we understand that each of us is in control of our own “behavior” we can understand how and why challenging behavior happens and how to find better solutions.
What are the benefits of viewing behavior as a choice?
- It builds on the “positive” because you can suggest different behavior choices for a result that you want (for example, “Would you like to finish mowing the lawn first and then have 3 cookies for a snack OR would you like to have one cookie now, then mow the lawn, then come back for the other two cookies?”
- You create a reward system that strongly encourages your child to choose to do what you ask. Simply states, when your child cooperates, he gets some kind of a reward. The “reward” is up to you and can range from a cookie to extra tv time to playing a game together to a coin to put in his piggy bank. It’s a win-win for everyone!
- It helps you identify ways to avoid arguments because seeing behavior as a “choice” allows you to work with your child to make better choices.
- Your child becomes more independent.
Once you understand that the you-can’t-tell-me-what-to-do attitude is your child’s way of having some control over his world, you’ll see that the changes we suggest will make a big difference.
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