Question: What is the difference between “spanking” children and “hitting” a child?
Answer: NO DIFFERENCE!
Question: What is the difference between “physical abuse” and an adult using his/her size and strength to “trap” a child so that the child can be hit?
Answer: NO DIFFERENCE!
Question: Who benefits from spanking children? Is there a benefit to either the child who is being hit OR the parent who does not know how to control the child by using positive parenting techniques?
Answer: NO ONE benefits. Both the child and the parent are the losers as the parent “bullies” the child because the parent is bigger and can do so quite effectively. At the same time, the child learns that he is not safe with the parent.
Question: What message does the parent give a child when the child is restrained and hit by the parent?
Answer: The child is given the message that (A) “I am not safe with you,” (B) “I’m such a successful bully that I can make you lose control,” and (C) “The way to stay ‘in control’ is to threaten/hurt someone physically.”
Question: Is there EVER any positive outcome that occurs when a parent decides on hitting or spanking children?
Answer: NO. The immediate behavior issue may lessen due to intimidation but the negative pattern will continue to repeat itself.
The Problem with Spanking Children
Often, a parent resorts to physically abusive tactics because he/she does not know how to calmly influence the child to choose to cooperate. Sometimes parents who are physically abusive had these same techniques used on them when they were children and it was accepted as “the way things are done.” However, not only is spanking children harmful, it is also very much unnecessary.
There are many problems with spanking children and using physical threats. The results can include:
- Teaching your child that the best way to solve problems is to become physically aggressive.
- Teaching your child that he can control your aggression by refusing to cooperate.
- Showing your child that he is not safe with you.
Finding Solutions to Challenging Behavior
While spanking children may help bring immediate results in curbing a specific behavior once, finding lasting solutions is a more worthwhile approach. This includes learning some facts and new techniques, but the benefits for both parent and child are priceless.
Remember that every challenging situation has a peaceful solution. A parent who remains calm can usually figure out the best way to find a solution and avoid escalating the conflict. As you will learn in the Pillars for Success parent training, there are only three basic needs that trigger the use of challenging and defiant behavior: attention, basic survival (food, shelter, and safety), and control/power.
Start to look for patterns that occur each time the child refuses to cooperate and/or misbehaves. Think about solutions for overcoming negative patterns that lead to conflict and refusals.
1. Pay Attention
Pay attention and ask yourself important questions when the situation with your child calls for it. This includes:
What is the child refusing to do?
When did the refusal (or the misbehavior) occur?
How can I respond to the refusal in a way that leads to cooperation?
For example, “Thank you for letting me know how you feel. I hope you decide to cooperate because then we can play your favorite game…” (OR whatever you think is attractive to the child.)
Noticing these patterns helps you become proactive instead of reactive. It helps you set up situations so that the child wants to cooperate because he can get that “extra special something” when the job is done.
2. Offer Choices
If the child refuses to do what you ask, have you offered him choices?
Rather than getting into a power struggle with him, have you allowed him to choose when he will do what you ask OR what kind of support he would like from you to help him get the job done?
3. Thank the Child
When your child completes even part of what you have asked, did you remember to thank him for what he has done so far? (Perhaps even offer him a treat to celebrate his cooperation.)
4. Make the Outcomes Clear
If your child refuses to cooperate, did you calmly let him know that when he refuses to do what you ask then you will find your own solution?
For example, if he refuses to pick up the toys in his room, calmly inform him that you will pick up the toys and put them in boxes and store them on the top shelf in the garage. Let the child know when you will pick up the toys yourself. Give him time to think about what you said and what might happen to his toys. Calmly follow through with what you said you would do. If the child suddenly decides to pick up the toys then congratulate him for making a good choice. You might even ask him if he would like some help.
5. Tough Lessons
Remember that these are tough lessons that your child is experiencing. It is okay to support him/his feelings by letting him know that YOU know that these are tough lessons he is learning. Be sure to congratulate him for cooperative choices, handling his frustrating, trying to cooperate, or anything else you can comment on that is positive.
Remember that every time a child behaves in unacceptable ways provides an opportunity for him to calmly learn that cooperating actually gives him more control over a situation.
6. Stay Calm During Refusals
When the child refuses to find a solution with you (no matter how calm you are) then stay calm and let him know what will happen if he chooses to cooperate and what will happen if he chooses not to cooperate.
For example, “When you and I can work together to get the toys put away then you can decide which toys go into which boxes. You can also decide where to store the boxes. Let me know and I’ll help you put the toys away.”
Let your child know that choosing or refusing to cooperate is always his choice and your goal is to be sure that he understands what will happen next depending on the choice he makes.
“Since you are refusing to put your dirty clothes in the hamper, I want you to know that after lunch the television and electronics will remain off until the dirty clothes are in the hamper. However, if you want help collecting all the dirty clothes you stuffed under your bed just let me know and we can work together to retrieve them so that you can put them in the hamper.”
Intimidation vs. Discipline
Remember that spanking children as a form of discipline is actually a form of intimidation. Is your goal to threaten your children into cooperation OR to teach your child positive solutions for challenging situations?
Take a minute to re-read this article BEFORE the next challenge arises with your child and make a list of spanking alternatives that will work for you. Start by making a list of desired behaviors you want from your child and how you will reward your child when these behaviors occur. This might include a hug, a big smile, saying “good job,” or rewarding your child with a treat.
Check out our blog post about Point Sheets and organizing positive behaviors you want your child to exhibit and how you will reward those behaviors.
Most of all, remember that when you use physical threats and intimidation you are teaching your child how to control situations in life using physical threats and intimidation.
On the other hand, identifying and rewarding positive behavior gives both you and your child a way to focus on positive solutions, positive rewards, and a more positive relationship that is safe and can be trusted.
What would YOU prefer? If parents who used physical punishment raised you then you have additional work to do in order to change those behaviors in your own parenting style. However, the results are well worth the effort and the Pillars for Success will support that effort by guiding you with techniques to build a positive parenting style that will provide a much more positive experience for both you and your child.
