Whenever your child refuses to do what you ask or puts up an argument, your first step is to assess the situation. Ask yourself, “What am I asking for and how can I turn my child’s refusal into a choice?”
Next step: stay calm. Take a deep breath. Practice using a soft voice that calmly informs your child what you want him to do and what the potential outcomes are, depending on whether the task is completed or not. If he completes the task, celebrate the cooperation with some kind of reward, such as additional play time, a coin, or a special treat or an extra hug and a “thank you.”
Scenario
Scenario: Your child refuses to do his homework and tells you to stop bugging him.
Solution: Offer him the choice of doing it BEFORE he goes out to play or AFTER he comes back inside. If he agrees to do it when he comes inside, that’s great! If he does not get it done when he comes back inside then let him know that, for example, you’ll hold onto his iPhone (or some other item he values) until his homework is complete. Be sure to praise him when he gets the job done and return his iPhone to him.
For the Future: If your child does not get his homework done when he comes back inside tell him that tomorrow, the homework will have to get done before he goes outside. Tell him that you want to avoid another argument like this one. Or you can offer television as a reward for finishing his homework. Explain to him that arguing about going outside is sad for everyone so this time he can have some TV time when his homework is done.
Point Sheets
Would you like to avoid most discussions that lead to arguments? Put together a “Point Sheet.” A point sheet is a piece of paper with a list of the positive behaviors chosen by the parent.
The goals of a point sheet are to:
- Organize what you would like your child to do without constantly having to remind him/nag him
- Give him/her a way to earn money, extra play time with you, or (whatever you know would be a good reward.
Point Sheets: How They Work
For older children, the point sheet includes four sections: MORNING, AFTERNOON, EVENING, and OTHER. Under each of these headings, you list some expected behaviors. For instance, under the heading of MORNING you might use the next five lines to list the five behaviors that you would like to see done before your child leaves for school (or before turning on the TV). This could include brush teeth, make bed, put toys away in closet, get dressed, etc.
Make a similar list of activities you would like to see accomplished after school and before bedtime. Whatever doesn’t fit into these three areas can go under “OTHER.” Examples include “Says ‘okay’ when asked to do something,” “Asks if he can help,” “Tells me three things about his day at school,” etc.
For a younger child or a child who doesn’t know how to read, use pictures for the items you list on the point sheet. For example, have a picture of a child brushing his teeth on the point sheet.
Point Sheets: Rules to Follow
- Do not get into arguments and power struggles about completing the point sheet.
- Link some kind of reward to each item on the point sheet (money, play time with certain toys, a special treat). Make sure that these rewards are ONLY AVAILABLE TO THE CHILD FOR BEHAVIORS LISTED ON THE POINT SHEET.
- When you introduce the point sheet to the child, tell the child the rewards he/she can earn.
- Have the child complete the point sheet by the end of the day. If the child gives you the point sheet the next day, he will not earn any rewards. Why? Because you told the child that the point sheet has to be completed by bedtime each day. Can you remember what happened from one day to the next?
- You can ask for the child’s input on behaviors to list on the point sheet which will get him interested in the point sheet. As an example, “What behaviors do you think should be on the point sheet?” Remember that you make the final decision of what goes on the point sheet.
Remember to Give Choices
Giving “choices” to your child gives him the idea that he has control over what happens in his life. Offering “choices” will help you avoid most of the power struggles other parents have with their children.
Click here for “5 Ways to Avoid Arguing with Your Children”
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