Avoiding power struggles with very young kids, older children, and even teens begins with recognizing the steps that lead to these lose-lose interactions. Your goal is to stop the power struggle by replacing negative confrontation with problem-solving communication. Following these simple suggestions will allow you to find solutions that actually work!
“There cannot be a war if both armies do not line up at the battle line!”
If your child wants to argue, whine, or refuse to cooperate, simply stop talking and direct your attention toward doing something else, such as writing a grocery list, emptying the dishwasher, reading a magazine, etc. Once you leave the battle line, how can the argument continue?
If your child demands to know why you are not talking, explain that you want to find solutions and avoid arguments so you have decided to stop talking until everyone calms down enough to continue with a conversation that will lead to solutions. You may want to set the timer on the microwave and let him know that when the timer rings you will try to have a calm conversation with him.
The Use and Abuse of Power
Adults and children have a very different understanding of the world around them and why things happen. The one thing they do share is the need to feel they have control over events and decisions that affect their lives.
While it is important (for the child and the adult) to know that adults who care for/supervise children are “in charge,” those same adults soon learn that the main ingredient for successfully being “in charge” is their ability to remain calm and allow their children to feel that they have some control, too. Children who challenge them, refuse to do what is asked, or do not follow directions are the same children who desperately need to feel that they are have some control in their lives. These kids are often labeled as “strong-willed children” and/or “defiant kids.”
Power Struggles Occur for a Number of Reasons:
- When adults are not comfortable with their role as the person “in charge” and therefore do not experience or communicate their authority clearly.
- When adults who are “in charge” respond explosively or punitively when challenged. This clearly demonstrates that they are NOT ACTUALLY in charge.
- When adults do not understand the powerful importance of the child’s need to also feel a sense of being “in charge.”
- When adults who are “in charge” flex their adult “authority muscle” too often. This behavior totally strips the child/teen of his own sense of control over a situation and finding solutions.
- When the child’s need to flex his “I’m in charge” muscle overrides attempts on the part of the adult to help the child feel empowered.
Telling or asking a child to do something is a routine and important part of parenting and can result in something as simple as, “Okay Mom, I’ll do it.” However, your child’s responses can also lead to arguments, blunt refusals, delays, and poorly completed tasks.
So What Do I Do Now?
Many of you may feel trapped and keep asking yourselves the question, “What do I do now?” I have listed some techniques that will help you understand power struggles and know how to better deal with them. There are also some examples of power struggles and how they should be handled.
As you practice the suggested techniques you will be surprised to see just how easy it is to remain calm and “in charge” of the situation. The end result will be that the child will be guided toward cooperation by an adult who understands and honors the child’s need to feel “in control.”
Remember that power struggles are the “symptom” and not the “cause.” The cause is the child’s need to have a sense of control over himself and a sense of power in his world. The cause can also be related to the child’s view of what’s important and what’s not. The child’s point of view can be very different than the adult’ point of view.
Steps You Can Take Toward a Peaceful Solution:
1. Offer the child a choice:
“Do you want to put your toys in the toy basket first? Or do you want to put your pajamas in the laundry room first?”
“Do you want to mow the lawn today or tomorrow?”
If the child still refuses, try adding your support:
“Would you like help putting the toys in the toys basket? I can help you.”
“Would you like me to have a nice cold Coke and chips available for you when you take a break? When you finish?”
2. Include a small reward in your discussion:
“When the toys are in the toy basket and the pajamas are taken to the laundry room, would you like to play _________? Or would you like to have a snack instead?”
“You have done such an outstanding job of mowing the lawn and bagging the loose grass! I’d like to surprise you with a bonus of $______.”
3. Remember to thank the child for helping to find a solution so that everything gets done.
4. Acknowledge the child:
If he continues to argue and/or refuse, take a deep breath. Calmly say something like, “I hear you loud and clear. You refuse to put your toys in the toy basket. Here’s what I’m going to do: I’ll set the timer for 15 minutes. If the toys are still not put away in the toy basket then I will pack them up. I will find a place that I choose to store them so no one steps on them or trips over them.”
If the child continues to argue and/or refuse then calmly explain to him again that you will find your own place to store the toys so no one trips over them. He may come home from school and demands to know where you put his toys. In response, you should calmly remind him of your conversation in the morning. Let him know that when you have time tomorrow you will return his toys to the floor in his room. Once there, he can put them in the toy basket. Calmly let him also know that if the toys are not put back in the toy basket tomorrow then you will store them in a private space for two days next time (then three days, then four days, and so on). This will help to avoid arguments.
5. Align yourself with the child:
If your child expresses sadness or anger show him empathy. Say you understand why he might feel badly because his toys are gone. Let him know that you hope he can choose to avoid that outcome by putting the toys away next time. Perhaps tell him that if he puts the toys away without being asked you will have a surprise treat for him. It can be something special like a piece of gum, a few M&Ms, or something similar.
Here at Pillars for Success we have found solutions for the biggest hurdles and the most exhausting conflicts. Rather than simply responding to the behavior, the solutions are always found in understanding and responding to the reasons for the behavior and the needs that the behavior is attempting to satisfy. Effective solutions are more common when caregivers make the decision to “come alongside” the child rather than “square off” and challenge the child.
Outcomes
ALERT: These approaches are not intended to minimize the importance of children and youth having outcomes for their choices. If a child/youth makes positive choices that result in positive outcomes then congratulate him. Give him a treat or a hug or some type of recognition and reward. If his choices result in negative outcomes then empathize with him. At the same time, inform him of the outcomes for his behavior.
Remember: your goal is to remain “in charge” without creating a power struggle and to increase the chance that the child will want to make positive choices.
Remember, too, that whenever there is a power struggle there is always a “winner” and a “loser.” Since biology dictates that no one wants to be the “loser,” the power struggle will repeat itself over and over until the “loser” can become the “winner.” This cycle will go on… and on… and on… until someone backs away from the struggle and seeks a “win-win” situation for everyone.
BOTTOM LINE:
AVOID POWER STRUGGLES
EMPOWER THE CHILD
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
DEAL WITH THE NEGATIVE CALMLY AND WITH FAIR OUTCOMES
REMAIN CALM
SHOW THE CHILD EMPATHY
Visit the entire website, www.pillarsforsuccess.com for lots more information.
