When your child crosses the line and begins testing boundaries and breaking rules, there arises opportunities for a parent/caregiver to set or re-set safe and appropriate boundaries. It is also an opportunity to discover what basic human need the child is trying to meet, whether that is attention, basic survival, or control/power.
It is important to remember that speaking in as few words as possible gets better results because children don’t listen to long lectures. This is especially true when they are upset or feeling defensive.
Additionally, pay attention to the words you use in any situation. These have an effect on the outcomes! So, let’s start by replacing phrases like “disciplining children” with “teaching children the outcomes for their behavior choices.”
NOTE: Each of the steps below is important to consider and will become more “automatic” as you continue to practice them as part of your daily parenting skills.
Step #1: Do NOTHING Until…
It can be difficult not to instantly react to boundary-crossing behavior, but don’t do anything until you consider the following:
- What is the age of the child?
- What occurred and what boundaries/rules were stretched or broken?
- Was the negative behavior intentional or accidental?
- What was the potential risk/danger to the child himself or to others?
Keeping everything in perspective, there is a big difference between a five-year-old boy refusing to put his toys away and a teenager who chose to drink alcohol while driving a car. There is also a difference between a child intentionally throwing things at people versus a child who has lost self-control.
Step #2: Evaluate the Level of “Upset”
Evaluate the level of “upset” felt by you, your child, and anyone else involved. Try to be aware of how you and others involved are feeling, as this will help you decide the most effective interventions.
Are you angry at the child and/or worried about the child’s safety? Did the child make a bad decision or intentionally broke rules?
Pay attention to the child and how rude, belligerent, or remorseful he is acting about what happened. If others are involved, what was their involvement and level of upset?
Step #3: Identify the Severity of “Crossing the Line”
Just how severe was the behavior? Was the issue about something as simple as refusing to share? Or did it involve behavior that broke rules of safety (either personal safety and/or safety of others)?
Was the child fully aware of the rules/boundaries he was expected to follow BEFORE the episode?
Does the child repeatedly violate the same rules or boundaries?
Step #4: Define the Outcome When Your Child Crosses the Line
Based on all of the information gathered in Steps 1-3 listed above, put your own anger/frustration aside and calmly consider what outcomes the child must face as a result of his/her behavior.
The goal is not punishment, but finding the outcome that will most effectively influence the child’s future behavior.
If you need some time to consider all of this, then simply let the child know that you are going to think about what to do and you will let him know when you have decided.
Here are a few tips for defining “outcomes” for behaviors:
- As a routine part of parenting, let your child know in advance the behavior that is expected. Be very specific as you describe the behavior.
- Let the child know in advance how you will celebrate his choices of cooperative behavior and also let him know the outcomes for his choices of uncooperative behavior.
- Be very consistent with your responses and remind the child that he was informed in advance. If he has made a negative choice then let him know that there will be lots of new opportunities to make positive choices.
The Magic Touch: Effective Parent-Child Communication When Your Child Crosses the Line
Stay focused on “the positive:” positive behavior and positive responses.
ALWAYS let your child know the outcomes for his behavior choices in advance. Tell him how you will celebrate his positive choices and also tell him how you will respond to his negative choices. Remember to always calmly follow through with exactly what you said you would do.
Gently let your child know that you understand that this is hard for him. Continue to remind your child that he is the only one who has complete power over the choices he makes. Remind him, too, that you are the only one who decides the outcomes for his choices. Let him know that next time he can decide to make a choice that will have positive outcomes. Ask him how you can support him to make positive choices. Invite him to work with you to come up with a plan that will help him do so. If you are comfortable offering a small reward whenever he makes positive choices—a piece of gum, a cookie, some extra TV time—let him know the plan. Be sure to let him know that you are always available to help him find solutions.
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