Guess what? Children really do think differently from adults! When your kid disagrees with you or refuses to do what you ask, it’s not because he/she plans and plots to drive you nuts! Nor is it because you have done a “bad job” parenting.
Most often, it’s because the mental development and thought processes of children follow a path that starts with being very self-centered and seeing only one point of view as they focus on: “What do I want and what do I need?”
I refer to this thought process as the “WIIFM Principle,” which describes most children’s point of view: “What’s In It For Me?”
Children Are NOT Little Adults
Remember: children’s brains are still growing and maturing. They haven’t had enough experiences in life to learn about “compassion.” Nor have they learned the importance of considering what other people want and need. The bottom line is that children often appear to be very self-centered and selfish. This is best understood as merely one of the stages of development that all children go through. Again, they are not intentionally trying to drive you nuts.
Additionally, every human being actually has two ages: chronological age (their actual age) and developmental age (based on developmental level in the various areas of human growth). A child can be 10 years old but have the emotional maturity and needs of a much younger child. We must be aware of our children’s developmental age(s) when considering positive and effective solutions to behavior challenges.
Also, children are very “concrete” thinkers. This means they do not understand abstract concepts and feelings the way adults understand abstract concepts and feelings! As such, long talks and parental lectures about noble “values” (i.e. compassion, caring, patience, sharing) are often not very effective. While it is important to teach these concepts as the child is developmentally ready to learn them, communicating directly with the child regarding “acceptable” and “unacceptable” behavior is usually more effective. Intentionally identifying and rewarding positive behavior strengthens the possibility for positive behaviors to be repeated.
Remember that while your children may even politely sit and listen to you when you lecture them, they are concrete thinkers who focus on behaviors, have short attention spans, and understand the world based on their own wants and needs. When you finish your next “lecture,” try asking your child to summarize what you just said! Don’t be surprised if the child says, “I don’t know,” or struggles to answer your questions.
The Solution
Instead of focusing on deep concepts and lectures that address human values, begin teaching these lessons using a system of rewards that the child finds desirable. This is where the “WIIFM Principle” becomes clearer! Based on brain development, a child is better at repeating a desired behavior reinforced with a desired reward. When the child experiences a positive reward for positive behavior, he/she will be encouraged to choose to cooperate.
With these concepts in mind, you can begin to create a pattern of cooperation that will lessen refusals by letting the child know in advance how he/she will benefit by doing what you ask. Briefly let him/her know afterward how helpful it was for everyone when he/she chose to cooperate. Then be sure to reward him/her for making a great choice! Creating this pattern will almost always help improve cooperation with your children, and it sets the stage for those deeper, abstract concepts that will come as the child matures.
However, creating a new habit takes time. Start small and include your child in the planning. Depending on the age and developmental level of the child, a simple system of rewards for specific behaviors can be very effective. You and your child can work together on this! Start by identifying and rewarding only 2-3 behaviors and expand to more behaviors later. Create a list of desired behaviors that you would like to see the child exhibit on a daily basis. For example, you may want your child to set the table before dinner or brush his/her teeth before going to bed. Start by focusing on whatever you think will be an opportunity for the child to succeed and cooperate.
Write these behaviors down, andlet the child know how you will reward these chosen behaviors.
Keep Things Positive
Remember: this is an opportunity to avoid arguing with your child. STAY POSITIVE. If he/she refuses to complete an expected behavior then explain to the child that you hope that tomorrow he/she will decide to earn the rewards that are available. Be sure that these rewards are only available for completing the identified tasks. Praise your child for even beginning to think about completing the identified behaviors. Remind him/her that tomorrow is a brand new day and a brand new opportunity to celebrate and earn rewards.
A simple reward system is one of many ways to begin building long-lasting, cooperative relationships with your children and teach your child the benefits of cooperating as a family. If they don’t drive you nuts as much, that’s an added bonus.
Kids Still Drive You Nuts?
Kids still drive you nuts? Consider further reading and tools for more guidance.
Learn more about rewards by taking advantage of our Point Sheet templates to start a reward system today.
Read my guest post on MyBaba titled “Bribes vs. Rewards” to learn the difference.
Have a teenager that seems to drive you nuts? Read our blog post “5 Parenting Tips for Dealing with an Angry Teenager” for more ideas.
